we forgive

to find light that's lost,

feel peace in our hearts,

to believe in love,

receive it from God,

we forgive and we try to,

to heal what hurts.

finally be free.

He took away my right to complain

 i do am deeply sad for me, but i am more for you. i can bear my pain, but not yours

so it's true, husband mine, you do love me a lot. 

hardest goodbye

you have never been around,

so i felt you everywhere inside.

there you were in my dreams

and i can remember your smile.

i have not known you long,

but i say the hardest goodbye

dreamlike

i closed all my windows,
pulled every blind tight.
he promised to build me,
castles by the candlelight.

my second heart

A consequence of being a marshal at organising things and having a profoundly long memory is that you more often than not hit the roads that trip you down the memory lane. While cleaning my bookshelf the other day, I caught hold of this picture in a really old, surprisingly functional pendrive, ironically inside a folder named "new pictures".

For those of you who know me barely, this is me in 11th standard. And the room in the picture is the room that my mom and dad gave to me and my sister in our then, newly-bought flat in Delhi. The time that was. The year 2003.

I really wish we had never sold that flat to buy a bigger one. There were so many good and not-so-good times we shared as a family there. From an innocent child to a haughty teenager, I grew young and conscious of my being in that place. My mom brought home our no-longer-with-us, always-in-our-heart pet named Koffee from PETA in that home - we got the chance to take care of the most gorgeous puppy of his age, chocolate gold colored with blue eyes, super naughty and stubborn, very loving. We would play endlessly with him in the balcony, feed him with his favourite treats in exchange of his love. Come winters, we made a cosy kennel of blankets and cardboards for him in the living room, we toilet trained him in the verandah and did so many adorable things together.

I shared my craziest bedtime secrets with my sister, played video games all night with my brother in that place, fought with both of them, taking for granted, well, the ephemeral togetherness. I remember getting ready for college in that place. I learnt to drive, got my first car, my first job, met my first crush and dated my (almost) first boyfriend, both of whom were different people by the way, in that place.

There is nothing in the picture that I have with me now. Those clothes, the footwear, the desktop, the printer, the computer table, the curtains, the blanket, the bedsheet - nothing. It all got old, worn out and eventually gone forever.

For most obvious reasons, there was a moment of stark pain I felt inside my heart, as I looked at this picture. Even while getting led by a storm of many vivid emotions, I was only glad to be reunited with these deep-seated memories.

And I thank this picture for storing safely that moment in time which can never be reproduced again, using mightiest will or any amount of riches and privileges in the world. As I write this, I reflect on a heartwarming scene from the movie Coco, where Hector says and the plot eventually reveals, why our "memories have to be passed down".

The glories of the yesteryear and beyond, the experiences lived, the lessons learnt- are all what make us who we are. They are a part of our identity, our being. They make us rich, in all arenas of consciousness.

I dread imagining a life where I let go of these memories. The memories that beat inside me like a second heart.

Give Love a Chance!

It was more than a week after my roka. About one and a half years ago, but I clearly remember that day. A bit reluctant to go home, I stayed back till late evening in the IIT Delhi campus. As I stood in the corridor of the old building, opposite the physics department I think, looking at the endless dull sky, I started pondering over how life seemed to be changing in unpredictable, dramatic ways. Something inside me questioned my happiness and my decision. I wasn't sure if this was really all that I wanted. I looked around for an answer, there wasn't anybody there. For a moment, to be honest, I took a trembling deep breath and thought, "What if I am not prepared for this?". You see, I didn't want be the first runaway bride in my family.

But just that moment, my phone buzzed and I got like the sweetest text of my life. I didn't open the app right away, you know, just to appear cool and easy, but I did stupidly blush and smile way long from ear to ear. This was the most beautiful and loved I had felt in a long time. I had my answer with me. I had to give love a chance. A well deserved chance, to let it enter my life and change it. As heavenly as it sounds, it started raining at that time. And it was not just water that was pouring.

those times

those times of playful banters, disagreements and togetherness
are long gone,
what is left with me now,
safe and secure,
is our undying love, childhood memories and distance abound.

Unbreak me

one after another,

you pick ‘em,

all of the pieces,

a lot fidgety,

somewhat scattered

everywhere in here,

then glue them 

with some love,

keep all of my parts,

but make them a whole.

yours

from a night's conversation,
to eternities, well-nigh.
the love that is yours,
will never pass you by.

behest

under all circumstances,

over everybody else,

with whole of your heart,

choose me.

that one moment

that one day,
i felt from within,
for a brief moment,
he was all mine,
you see, in the end,
it is what truly matters,
for it is all we'd ever have.

words

i heard words,

that warmed my heart, 

and words,
that tore it apart.

perspective

"from what I know about myself, like it or not, and you'd most certainly not like it, but in the matters of the heart, at least, I am infuriatingly old fashioned". 

"what if I told you, in a world of "k, ssup, tc and <3 u 2", you're a long lyrical love poem".

a queer romance

at a place

far off, secluded

we stayed up

until wee hours

whispering secrets.

How I fell in Love!

"Oh! please. Love? It's there in the books to read. My ears will bleed if you continue this non-sense for one more minute".

"I read your blog. And your poetry. I never knew you would be so insensitive, practical and cold-hearted in real life".

I was at a strange phase of my life. My expectations from a romantic partnership were growing fast, and there were hardly any traces of fulfilment. I realised I had started to need more than just liking, more than just flirty texts, more than just chasing, more than just romance, and, perhaps, more than just love. I needed codependency, clinginess, madness, insecurities, inseparability, togetherness, foreverness. I needed to become irreplaceable, indispensable in someone's life. I needed to be needed.

“Life has seasons. And just like winter, summer will get here in time too, you know.”

“Hmm? Did you say something?” 

“Uh hun. I was only looking through the window”.

And, then, one day, I met him. In the most hopeless, dull settings ever. He seemed to me like those simple, observant types. Deep eyes. Powerful demeanour. Intelligent mind. Loving smile. In many ways, he was near perfect. Despite my strong interest in him, he saw a cold, iced version of my heart. I was cheerful, but not warm.

“what can I do for you, miss?”, he asked strongly, without saying a word.

“if you could invest in fantasy-fuelled, rose-colored glasses for us; may be, and create those ‘life's beautiful' vibes in my life?” my eyes requested.

I was not mad, not dreamy. Somewhere inside, I was deeply wishing for something meaningful and perpetual. I was failing to settle for the ordinary, temporary and transient. While everyone thought what I wanted was hard to understand and that my expectations were unreasonable, I think, he got me.

“Here, look in my eyes”, he said. “Would you believe me if I make a promise to you? I want you to know now that I want to be with you.” 

I have no idea why he liked me, why falling for him was so effortless, why getting him was so easy. I was just like other girls he would meet everyday and not talk to. I was ordinary. 

I took a deep breath, gathered all the courage in the world and asked him, "what kind of a woman do you want?"

He looked dreamily at the sky and then in my eyes, and said, “someone like you, exactly like you”.

If I lived my life the way I did just so I could get him like this one day, I feel I don’t want to change anything about it. I longed for gold and for silver, not knowing He had chosen a gem for me. 

“There will always be challenges before us”, he said with a smile. “If you and I are together, we can fight anything. Now look in my eyes and tell me, you are with me”.

“I am with you”, I instantly promised, “for this life and whatever comes next.”

Sometimes it takes years for people to figure out if they are or are not meant to be. If what they feel for someone is love or not. And sometimes, it is a matter of hours and seconds. I believe in love. I believe in magic. In miracles. I believe in many things that do not have any clear, objective explanation.