Seven Deadly Facebook Sins

Everyone is on Facebook. Everyone is a sinner. Everyone on Facebook is a sinner?

A small chat with a hypothetical, innocent girl (she is hypothetical because she is innocent):

Innocent girl: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: Checking mails, Facebooking…and…

Innocent girl: (immediately, with raised brows): What do people do on Facebook?

Me: (confidently) Social networking…

Innocent girl: And what’s that?

Me: Well, many things…of great importance…uh…basically…socially…and uh…the…

Innocent girl: Hey, mom’s calling…will catch you in an hour or so…tell me then, please.

Me: (still thinking) uh…yeah…Facebook is for… great...hm…

So a simple conversation like this one with an innocent girl (darn she is no innocent in any other arena of consciousness) made me think about a sane person’s activity (that I shalt call a SIN now forth) on Facebook. I prepared a list just for her (you may peep in too).

SIN 1: Being a weather reporter

So this happens mostly if it’s raining. Most people think rains bring romance and freshness (what about the mud and stickiness, anyways?). So a good way to update the world (or your friends) about the recent temperature change is to post about it on FB (this is very important, considering the fact that most people who have an internet access to read your post do not have a television to check weather reports).

SIN 2: Doing PDA

Urgghh... So initially the posts say how confused you are about acceptance of your new-found love and, then, how awesome you feel to be in a relationship (this might be followed by touchy breakup quotes later). You have no option but to read, like & comment ("awwwww" with infinite times the letter "w") on the posts that could be a few stupid lines from a romantic song, usually followed by a love emoticon (matlab “<3”) and, sometimes, intimate pictures (No offense intended, the penner too wishes to do this someday).

SIN 3 Posting SMS Jokes

Yikes! You think people are impressed with husband-wife jokes? (And no! not the sardar ones too (I have good, intelligent and beautiful Sikh friends and colleagues in my friend list, and so do you). A word of wisdom is still readable (at least when we haven’t read it before), but copy-pasting that old SMS is a sin!

SIN 4 Wishing Happy X Day

On certain days, your wall is a little too crowded with posts similar in content. Facebook is the perfect place to post "Happy __ Day to all" (please fill in the blank with any day you have heard of). One of my friends dared to post "happy wedding anniversary grandma & grandpa" (that too, when her grandfather & grandmother were not on Facebook). Hmm... punish that sinner now!

SIN 5 Seeking vengeance

Facebook is also an interesting battle ground. Some of your Facebook friends "unfriend" you and think it is like shooting a bullet in your head. Some would share your ugly pictures and tag you. What a revenge strategy! No, I am serious. Or probably I have given you another perspective to look at your friend’s next move on Facebook. Whatever it is, but in case it is done with a bad, vindictive intent, it is a sin.

SIN 6 Faking socialization

If I am messaging the girl I am sitting next to with via the FB messenger, that’s no networking. Holy Moly! you are posting “Happy Birthday” on your friend's wall when he is there with you (giving you a treat also) because he forced you to do that (the penner just bumped her head somewhere). And commenting “you are looking nice, how was this place?” on the profile picture of your mommy who lives with you 24X7? Congrats! You are a social sinner. Please post that now on your wall.

SIN 7 Indulging in debauchery

Now if you try to watch pornographic stuff by clicking on certain video links (that are actually spam), you commit the worst Facebook sin. Sorry to say but lechery is a sin by the Holy Bible also, which makes this one even more sombre. And later on posting that it was the evil-work of some hackers is silly. If the world knows you are a pervert, repent !

The “penner” of this piece has herself committed most of the sins she mentioned above. She thinks she is too smart and intelligent to pinpoint these in others and escape criticism this way.

Neil Armstrong never landed on the Moon!

Will someone revise the school syllabus now? And the Facebook statuses...

I would have loved to keep it to myself, but it’s funny how people think of Neil Armstrong as a legend. Well, as far as I understand, he didn’t do anything extraordinary.

Please don’t frown! Neil Armstrong NEVER landed on moon. Apollo moon landings were one of the biggest controversies of all times, and of course, the best ones (They have managed to gain public interest even after 4 decades). According to a survey, less than 10% of the people have an idea about it.

The photographs claiming Apollo six-manned landings were carefully observed and there are several simplistic and technical discrepancies that prove that this was all a hoax. Nonetheless, NASA gave very technical justifications for all these on news channels that time that were equally convincing, but too arduous for me to write here.

But I want you to think over the following points:

A space shuttle needs enormous, initial thrust to gain velocity for the upward movement (and I presume we all know that). There are support rockets attached, which get removed in the course after the space shuttle reaches a specific height (The astrophysicists would want to kill me after reading this convenient terminology). There’s a whole station, the LAUNCH PAD that monitors all this (You must have seen this in videos). In order to enter one celestial body from the other, the space shuttle is made to follow an orbit. This can’t happen directly. So, after leaving earth’s atmosphere, the space shuttle has to land along the moon’s orbit.

Did you ever think HOW the space shuttle landed on the moon safely without a station, track and any one to monitor etc. The shuttle should have had crashed. Or at least the the rocky surface of the moon would have disturbed the shuttle structure. Had this been the case, a slight disturbance would have violated laws of aerodynamics, making the next flight impossible. 

Even the present day technology lets the space shuttles to land only on water bodies (I am sorry if you didn’t know this) as there is NO MECHANISM that ensures safe landing of space shuttles on the land. There’s a high risk of explosion and hence mission failure when astronauts, who travel (just travel, not land on planets!) in the space shuttles, enter the Earth’s atmosphere back (remember Kalpana Chawla and Columbia?). How could NASA ensure safe, dual landing 40 years back?

Okay, they landed on moon safely! But when they decided to come back, who provided them with the enormous thrust, angle adjustments, etc. again? Please recollect the Newton’s third law of motion (yeah…the one that says something about the equal and opposite reactions). The shuttle can’t move upwards without exerting an equal force in the downward direction. (Just as you use your hands to stand up, while you are sitting).

So not only did the shuttle land safely, but somehow left the moon without a launch pad. This ain’t no funny! Don't laugh. (I guess the person controlling the space shuttle had been to moon before. He mastered the shuttle's behavior/dynamics in diametrical atmospheric conditions.)

Aha! Another one. We landed on moon in 1960’s. Never after that? Why NASA? You couldn't make the travel frequent and easier. Is there no one willing to land on the moon again? We still send dogs, robots on other planets like Mars. If we could do it on the moon, that to more than 4 decades back, why not Mars?

Well, I know, those who were unaware would question, why would USA and NASA do that? There are many theories that explain it, but I personally find the then competition against the Soviet Union as the most justified one. You can read about them in various books.

Those who are still reading (and understanding!) have to answer a simple question (yes, please mail me…). Who was the first person to land on the moon?

The ‘penner’ of this piece mourns Mr. Armstrong’s death, but that won’t stop her from writing the truth. She finds it crazy that she once won a quiz competition at school, giving the wrong answer. 

Jeggings @ Jabong

I’ll talk about a fashion trend, rather a revolutionary one that exactly caters to the needs of the 21^st century, the ‘Jeggings’. Introduced in the fall of 2010 and popularly known as the super-sexy combination of leggings and jeans, jeggings render many reasons for you to fall in love with them instantly. Jeggings can be leggings that are made to look like jeans by the funky introduction of fake pockets and seamless closures, or stretchy jeans that borrow the fitting and comfort of leggings. Either way, the result is unabashedly on-trend.

Even though they get a nod of the fashion police, many suspect the validity of ‘jegging-hype’ these days. No, they are not overrated! There are many a reasons for their popularity, but prominently it is the ultra-skinny fit that creates the magic. Even the traditional slim-fitted and skinny jeans accentuate the body contours but unlike them, jeggings are utterly comfy. While the former mainly is a sheer blend of denim and spandex, the latter might also use elastane and nylon.

Jeggings have a big fan following already. Flaunted by many international celebrities like Beyonce, Kim Kadarshian, Britney Spears, Shakira - jeggings have nearly replaced the straight-fit denims. If you are comfortable with your legs, it is needless to say that jeggings are a great idea.

Still wondering where to buy a pair just perfect for yourself? Check out a cool collection of low-rise, super-skinny jeggings at Jabong in awesomely, striking colours that you won’t easily find just anywhere. So you can go with the traditional blue or experiment with yellow, green and even red!

I wouldn't refrain myself from mentioning an inevitable caveat that this hip-hop fit is not meant for just any physique. Watch out if you are just a little more on the heavier side towards the bottom. The jeggings bring out the flaws in the figure more than the regular denims. When not worn with the right innerwear, jeggings can go terribly wrong. To play safe, you can always combine your jeggings with over-sized tops and tunics. Plus, you can go for a darker colour. And high heels, anyone? 

Truth or myth ?

This simple, narrative poem will seem quite arduous to understand. It’s not the language, though, which will confuse you; but the doctrine it preaches…

I came back after 20 years

with a mind without any fears

and knowledge, I believed, divine

But some stupid friends of mine

I had met just now

Hated logic somehow

So I laughed and then sighed

Ate the dinner, early that night

After loading me with lots of food

They told me a story, not so good…

Along the coast of a nearby river

There was a town named ‘Silver’

No one was allowed to visit that place

The explanation behind it was waste!

I told them they were fools

Now it was science that rules

         

Suddenly there were tides - high and low

And my poor wife begged me not to go

I said her in the eyes that I don’t care

Hell, she started saying an old prayer

 “tides in the river are a signal”   

Said that old and mad rascal                       

                                                               

But I packed up my essentials anyways

And geared up to go to the cursed place

When I reached 'Silver', it was midnight…

Things were spooky, the man was right!

While I was checking the place cautiously

Someone hit me on the head mercilessly

When I woke up, it was day

I was bleeding on dirty hay

Some ugly demons, I saw,

were planning to eat me raw

I questioned the science

And did some calculation

Couldn't find an answer,

Any damn explanation…

Stupid 'me' was caught in their hands

I cried, remembered family and friends

Their sacrificing rituals had begun

I was almost damned, it was no fun!

At night when they tied me tightly

I managed to open the rope quietly

For sure, it wasn't easy escaping

But luckily, they were all sleeping

Without a bicycle or a car

I reached home in one hour 

Everyone was so amazed and happy

Seeing me again, alive and peppy

I learnt some lessons meanwhile

My pals were rigid but so was I

It is no big deal sometimes

Going with old paradigms

For I wouldn’t have been alive 

embracing my wisdom and pride!

The 'penner' of this piece watched more than the recommended number of warewolf and vampire movies. The destruction of those, who appear most reluctant to accept the supernatural in such movies, has resulted in complete loss of her reasoning powers. And she was caught preaching Creationism that day.

Great online shops!

Now there are like a thousand great online shops. Jabong and Flipkart get two thumbs up from me!

With the advent of so many online-shopping portals that give a lot more benefits than the physical outlets, online shopping is growing very popular amongst both men and women these days. And in case you still do not know what online shopping is, (having not shopped online is still acceptable) you are living in a jungle!

Coming back to the point, the benefits include - easy pay (even cash on delivery), a lot of options to choose from, cool return policies, 24X7 customer support etc. 

Jabong is one step ahead in COD. You can use your credit/debit cards at the time of delivery (the delivery boy brings the magical machine and even insists you to use your card).

Though there are obvious caveats to online shopping like you can’t try the apparels and of course, what good looks on the super-pretty, zero-size models might not suit you at all (on the contrary you might feel prettier...in case you look like the writer). The exact color may vary from what you see on the website (errors could be from their side as well as due to the configurations of the monitor you use) and you might not be sure what, for example, semi-crepe feels like. Nonetheless it can’t take more than 30 days to figure out whether something suits you and has the right size, fit, color, material etc. You can avail the full benefits of the return policies, which can be free return within 7 days at some online shops to even 30 days  (as in case of Jabong, Flipkart, Myntra etc).

When you shop from popular and trusted portals like Jabong, Flipkart etc. you also get an assurance that you will get 100% authentic stuff. This is because before using a particular brand name and selling their products, it is necessary for them to take proper legal permissions. So, the chances of getting non-branded stuff in the name of branded ones get reduced a lot.

Besides at some stores you get an additional off that you will not get anywhere. For instance Jabong gives you a good introductory discount on every sign up. And you can misuse it by signing up several times! Some sites give special offers, gifts and discounts on particular brands. Fashion And You is one of them.

If you love luxury, online shopping is a great idea. You don’t have to visit a hundred outlets, and wait for your turn to enter the trial rooms or even when it comes to billing. So you skip all this and still get the best deal. All you need to do is go to the website and type the product name. You can also use filters of a particular brand, size, price etc. to ease out the process further. Now isn’t this truly luxurious? (I know the answer already!)

For sure this shopping process is quite simple. But if you think you still have confusion (like when your internet's not connecting and you don't know where's the "command" key), just dial the toll free number and irritate those sweet customer support executives. They are ready for help, always!

There is still a crazy reason to shop online. A lot of people feel that when they get the delivery of the order at their doorstep, they actually feel that they just received a gift. Now, this could be because they think they've put up a little effort in getting so much. Plus the order comes in cool packaging. That might sound crazy, but indeed what many people believe and say. 

The 'penner' of this piece feels you’ll have to start online shopping to find out the truth. Her advice comes from her own shopping experience. 

Have the Heart of a Hot and Haughty Girl!

Every guy longs for a beautiful girlfriend (or just a girlfriend?)

So if the title makes a little sense, I expect only men to be reading it (But don’t worry if you are a girl, you can always deny you read it).

If I am not wrong, the words “hot” and “haughty” did hopefully evoke the horny side in you. You will distastefully question, why the hell I want to help the mankind (man?). A more important question is who the heck I am? (Though, many will feel the priority of explaining the use of “H”words so many times here).

Despite the confused origin, relevance and target readership of this article, the tips and tricks are cleaner, non-baffling and easy to follow. Let me begin with answering one of the questions you asked above (okay I thought you, being a conscious reader, might have thought that this should be answered).

Blessed with some basic, inherent qualities (like prophetic powers, lunatic vision, impeccable intelligence, philanthropic attitude plus not to forget a seat at a comfy vantage point) the writer of this article thinks she should give some “free-advice” to men (or idiots) who want hot, happening and haughty girls.

Following this you will be successful in getting close to a hot girl (in this life hopefully) besides improving your vocabulary (with some words starting with “H”).

So let me begin:

TIP 1

No matter how much she knows and understands her beauty, if you tell her that she looks beautiful, she will (you get the assurance from the writer) definitely admire and appreciate it. Whether she shows it (by actions like smiling and blushing) or remains unresponsive is not guaranteed. And this counts for every time you say it to her. There’s nothing like “enough” here.

Just say"you look beautiful and gorgeous naturally" (even if she is loaded with make-up) and see the magic. But avoid words like “sexy” and “sensuous” in the very first go as this will pop up questions in her mind regarding your intensions (which might not be so good to know at least at the initial stages). You may, though, tell her about those horny ideas, when you both decide to consummate your relationship (that should work fine there).

TIP 2

All women are anorexic…partially or completely (you may include the writer in the list, of course). So just tell her that she simply doesn’t need to lose weight, while she is struggling hard on diet regimes or workouts. Though she will not stop those hilarious activities, she will love what you said.

But in case losing weight isn’t bad for her, you may still assure her that she looks really nice with that curvaceous body (no real man hates curves on a female’s body; you must be lying if you do- of your orientation or in general).

TIP 3

Tell her that she is different from other girls you have (or haven’t) met. See you will not lie here. Her Genome/ DNA structure (Deoxy-ribose nucleic acid) is very unique, different from any other individual you know, even her twin sister (I am sorry but that’s science, challenge only if you believe in Creationism).

TIP 4

Girls love to hear a word about their intelligence. Why not let her believe that you think she can win “Kaun banega crorepati”? Now you can say that (even if she misfits to win "Paanchvi paas se tez") she is certainly not going to sit on the hot seat (unless you know any one from Star Plus) as that requires a lot of luck (she can’t be that lucky; hopefully she’ll be with you after you read the article!)

TIP 5

Let her know that you never had a girlfriend because you were always preoccupied with your studies or a life sucking job. She knows you are lying, but she will find it cool (Why?).

Now that you know the 5 Golden tips, you know how to take the first step to get your girl. But some minor things like great looks, intelligence, education, family background, gentlemanliness etc. also have their parts (and we understand that most of the readers who are seeking help from a blog article to get their girl are not expected to possess these minor attributes). Why worry about minor things? Hopefully you have all my help here (or at least few unnecessarily used “H” words!)

The “penner” of this piece doesn’t want money, power or fame for all the wonderful tips she just threw at you. But seeking forgiveness from all those who unfortunately read the article is a must.

Three Stages of a Man’s love…

Is there anything like true love? I am afraid to get a true answer.

I know men would be furiously and curiously reading this article (courtesy the confused title and subtitle). But they know that the authentication of this literary masterpiece can only be, unfortunately, judged by women (be happy girls!). Here’s a piece of warning though (for both men and women, in this case). The article unabashedly advocates the tyranny of ‘the second sex’ (since the writer believes she is a female). I wouldn’t mind if you admire my brevity after reading it though.

So I have decided to publish this article on my blog and there are some foreseen rude comments or at least angry readers…but hey, it’s all in good humour (trust me!). And I apologise if I offended you, so do read and enjoy (only!).

From a zillion personal experiences, I ‘constructed’ a man’s behaviour in love (a great usage of the word "constructionism" of course). So let me jump straight away to the point:

• First stage (and indeed the most exciting one…)  –  “Love at FIRST sight”

Apparently they never saw a girl like you! They'll roam round you and impatiently wait for you to look back at them...and if by mistake you do, they consider it a victory! Girls love this undue attention. So this stage passes by quite quickly.

• Second stage – “the side gets a LITTLE colder”

Only if you are strong and confident enough to not respond to those mystical eyes, you qualify the second stage. Well now, they have realised your disinterest…so they settle by not acknowledging your existence...and I know you think you just noticed their elegant and indifferent gestures. But that’s absolutely normal!

• Third stage  –  “bug me NO more thou stranger”

If you were brave enough to ignore an angry admirer this is where u get into-the third stage (which I don’t know why, is so unpopular).

Well…didn’t you know? He was always casual with girls (playboy?)…How dare you never realise that? And of course there are a thousand girls in the world who are much better than you and who have always wanted him madly.

The ‘penner’ of this piece is downright sexist...this article was, thus, surrounded with ashamed subjectivity. Moreover, she lied about getting ‘a zillion personal experiences’ part…in reality she is ugly enough for anyone to even notice her…

Mukteshwar

I visited a thousand places in the globe, nowhere could I find…a place as beautiful and exhilarating as my home.

Me and other ‘Botanists’ from our gang (okay that was just another way of describing stupid people…), as a part of “Excursion” (of course you know what it is if you remotely know about Botanical sciences but would not want to waste time knowing about it, if you do not already…) visited the land of lord Shiva…Mukteshwar in the year 2009.

Identification of plants...

There we visited the famous ‘Mukteshwar Dham (Lord Shiva Temple)’, ‘Chauli Ki Jali’ (which was surrounded with an ancient belief that touching 'it' blesses barren women with kids) and a small ‘Durga Temple’ (but resisted hard to not visit a local museum...). Amid beautiful natural settings and serene sacred places, the fun and excitement was halted by plant collection and herbarium preparation.

It’s necessary here to mention that the students got marks for collection and preparation of herbaria of plants. Obviously everyone wanted the best, intact and most representative samples. There were times when good samples weren’t enough for all the class populace. It’s funny how best friends turned to bitter enemies in the process.

Nonetheless, things turned back to more than beautiful as we came back (which was inevitable…). There were a lot of things to cherish…the long walks, bonfire, our cozy hotel amidst woods, yummy food and much more…

Now frankly the article ends here with all the messages and thoughts perfectly delivered. This is for those who wish to know further about the after effects of visiting hilly areas. Solar radiations (UV mainly) had turned all of us a little dark and while everyone was busy bleaching and using fairness creams, I spent 2-3 hours in the bathroom (well, mainly bathing…) and slept for the rest of the day!

The ‘penner’ of this piece recommends everyone (atheists or theists) to visit Mukteshwar Dham, at least once in a lifetime…

Going the bollywood way...(courtesy jabong.com)

If at all I get one chance...I would show the world I am a star

Imitating Bollywood stars, especially when it comes to fashion, has become a tradition in our country. It’s funny how many of my friends got into getting a Ghajini hair cut (and symptoms of partial memory loss…of their own identity in the process…) the Kat pants (which were apparently meant to beautify only Katrina’s legs) or the famous Bunty Bubbly suits (which didn’t even look good on Rani…sorry no offense!). 

Nonetheless it’s important to at least save yourself from getting half mad like one of my classmates, (I would prefer not to mention her name here to refrain myself from giving her undue attention…) whose only mistake was to fall in love with a tunic that this tall lass, Miss Padukone, flaunted at some event. Well, there were not many places left in Delhi that my poor friend had left unexplored. 

To everyone’s surprise, I believe, there are things to certainly learn from her dedication here (that we wouldn't discuss…). I am thankful though, she found something really close to it, after weeks of struggle and impatience, at some online store with a crazy name, Jabong.com (crazy only because I don’t know what it means…though I suspect they have a huge collection for her to have found that unusually pretty thing there). 

She has been happy wearing it at some occasions reminding everyone what all it means to her. No wonder everyone, including me (never doubt my actions, O thou Satan!) agree she looks nice in it, plus in the process I found a great online shop (yeah jabong.com…be happy now for you got so much free publicity from an eminent personality like me…) which is perhaps the only good part (duh uh! for me…not for jabong.com). 

Okay, now something pithy. I find the idea of copying anything frivolous. I would rather recommend embracing fashion trends that exalt the charm your personality (matlab…make you look good).  Inspiration and motivation of similar kinds can be entertaining, no doubt. It’s silly how people ignore these beautiful words of wisdom that I invent every day. Enough said.

The ‘penner’ of this piece has herself started shopping at jabong.com insanely...and has lost her hard-earned money in the course...no wonder she thinks she looks awesomely gorgeous these days...